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I’m Back

January 10, 2010

A new year. A new decade. I always become a little melancholy at this time of year. I  feel that with each passing year, I need to reevaluate where I am and where I want to be. This January, there are definitely good things in my life, but unfortunately, I feel there are negative things getting in the way of my enjoyment. Instead of listing New Year Resolutions this year, I am going to ask questions:

1. Should I find another job? – I have not written much about my job except some great birth stories. The truth is, my job sucks. I am a Nurse Midwife in an environment where midwives are not valued or allowed to practice their craft. Two years ago, my organization decided the midwives should work Monday through Friday 8-5 :(. This has taken the choice away from women and degraded the value of what midwives do. The passion is gone from my work. I spend the days I am “assigned” to the hospital babysitting the physicians inductions. Women are shuffled through the office like cattle, they have to see everyone, are not given much education (except when they see one of the midwives, if she has the time to spend with her), are labled high risk for stupid reasons, and do not have a choice as to the philosophy of care she wants.

I feel I am at a cross-roads in my career. I have been a midwife for 18 years, have worked in my current job for 15. Now there is discussion to have the midwives work nights and weekends again. Does this have something to do with the fact there are less physicians now and they need help? Or is it that administration sees the decision they made 2 years ago was wrong and they want to reestablish the midwifery practice? I am not sure what our role will be if we go back on “call”. But my skeptical side says it will be a slave to the docs (at least now we are slaves with good hours) and not to allow women the choice of provider 24 hours a day. I will see how much they are asking for and how much they will be willing to give us at a meeting later in the month.

2. Can I feel good about myself? – A few years ago I lost 40# on Weight Watchers. I have gained back about 10# and have not been able to take it and the rest of the weight off. I hate myself for not exercising regularly and drinking too much wine. I eat well most of the time (Christmas candy aside) but there is definitely room for improvement. I walked on the treadmill this morning 🙂

3. Will my business succeed? Or another question What am I trying to accomplish? In some ways 2009 was a good year for the business. I did not make money but I think I am getting my name out there and for the most part enjoying what I am doing. I love dying yarn and the fairs and festivals I did were fun. But . . . .  what is the goal? To make money? That will probably not happen. I do not have the time to be on Ravelry all the time tooting my own horn in the forums like some other Indie dyers who probably do get business that way. Realistically, I work full time, this is a hobby that I hope does not bankrupt me.

4. Is there more to life? You get up, go to work at a job you hate, come home, drink too much, watch stupid TV and then go to bed. Maybe the question really is: Where do I want to be in 5 years?

I don’t really have answers to any of these questions. Only more questions. 2010 will be a journey for me. I am not sure where it will take me or what road I will even be on. But I know I have to make  changes in me, my life and my future.



“Life’s problems wouldn’t be called “hurdles” if there wasn’t a way to get over them.” Unknown

Peace and Happy New Year


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